Parenting & Parts: The Tug-of-War in Your Internal System

We’re about one month into back-to-school, and the lingering days of summer are soon to give way to a crispness of air and schedule that may have you keenly aware of constraints of time and patience. You’re managing every doctor appointment, therapy session, soccer practice, and dance recital. All of this on top of the domestic demands of parenting, direction, and disciplinary requirements, and…oh, yeah…it would also be nice to just enjoy your kids every once in a while. Isn’t it ironic that the duties of parenting often get in the way of the joy of parenting?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy imagines that all of us – collectively and individually – are made up of multiple parts. These parts work together to keep the system that is you running smoothly and as available to yourself and your relationships as possible. Often, different parts consistently become activated at the same time or in a pattern. For example, you may have a part that holds feelings of overwhelm (let’s call her OverWhelma!), and you’ve noticed, when that part gets overactivated because you’re taking on too many tasks, or saying yes to obligations when you really want to say no (hello, PeoplePleasesha!), a different part habitually takes over – maybe an angry part (Resentfulisha!) or a part that crashes and turns in on you with discontent and depressive symptoms (Shutdownonia!). This would describe a parts constellation, or a little crew of parts that kinda like to hang out together.

As a parent, you may find you have multiple parenting parts constellations. If OverWhelma, PeoplePleasesha, and Resentfulisha are your little “Disgruntled Gang,” then perhaps you also have a “Calming Crew” made of a Relax the Rules part, a Nesting part, and maybe a Cuddle-Crazy part. With these different parts constellations, you may find, in moments of overwhelm, you feel like you’re in a tug-of-war over which parts of you will be stronger – the constellation that wants to manage overwhelm by keeping you calm or the constellation that wants to get you grumpy enough to take better care of needs. How do you step into referee mode so you can help this tug-of-war be a fair fight?

Consider The Fears of All Parts

Curiosity is a key trait of an effective referee! The Ref is always running down the field with the players, keeping a sharp eye on everything that’s going on – nothing gets past a good ref! In this sense, the Ref is like that aspect of the internal family system we call, Self. Except Self isn’t looking to call foul plays or throw out penalties; Self is there to keep the game in the best sportsmanship possible. In order to do that, Self will want to know as much information about each constellation of parts, and each individual part, as possible. One of the first questions Self asks of a part is, “What are you afraid will happen if…[insert fears from the slightly scary to the foundational terrifying]?”

When parenting has you feeling overwhelmed, and your inner PeoplePleasesha comes out, that part might be afraid that if you don’t keep taking on more responsibility, you’ll make someone mad or be criticized somehow. Knowing what the fear beneath the behavior is allows you to see if you can help the part be less afraid by meeting its needs with healthy responses, rather than overburdened ones.

Consider The Needs of All Parts

Your inner Ref is going to ask what PeoplePleasesha might need to feel less afraid, or to soften. Maybe PeoplePleasesha needs more support from the scheduling part. Or maybe PeoplePleasesha needs to reframe a historical experience or memory that made it clear to your system that slowing down is dangerous in some way. Sometimes, just listening with compassion is enough to meet the parts’ needs. But, other times, more intricate work of unburdening deeply held negative core beliefs is necessary. For that level of work, you might want to engage a skillful psychotherapist to help you get to know your internal system and practice better managing it from a Self-led place.

Put Down The Rope

Most importantly, but also most difficultly, when you find yourself in a polarized tug-of-war, you want to do whatever you can to take a breath and a beat and put down the rope. Relieve yourself of ticking time clocks, internal deadlines, and requirements to know – right this second – what’s the next right thing to do. Putting the rope down might look like:

• Taking a break or a nap – you can always press play again after a brief pause.

• Engaging tools to calm your nervous system – vagal nerve stimulation activities like diaphragmatic breathing, shaking or stretching, humming, or cold exposure.

• Energy exertion – go on a brisk walk (even if it’s room-to-room or in your own backyard). Try this with empowering music or affirmations to really root into your system a sense of safety and agency!

• Utilizing self-regulation skills – Try “CPR for the Amygdala,” a regulating protocol of the Havening Technique.

Parenting will almost always come with moments of overwhelm. If you get over- or underactivated in the process, don’t be hard on yourself – get curious about your Self! Identify the tug-of-war, i.e., the most prominent polarization within you. Find out how your reaction may be rooted in fear and do your best to meet that fear with calm and self-compassion until your tug-of-war is a war no more.

Written by Jessiline Berry AMFT 131923, a Registered Associate and Marriage Family Therapist who specializes in trauma therapy, healthy parenting, and couples counseling. She provides therapy online in California and in-person therapy in Beverly Hills. Jessiline is supervised by Clinical Psychologist, Dr Megan Mansfield (PSY31497). If you’re ready to begin your journey, or have some questions about the process, schedule time to talk with Jessiline here.