Sexual Vitality After Sexual Assault
I invite you to a discussion about a surprisingly under-discussed topic – sexual vitality after sexual assault. In a society that struggles to understand affirmative sexual consent or what even constitutes sexual assault, to hold in collective consciousness that a person can be both impacted by sexual victimization and still be a desirous sexual being is, at times, a tall order. To be fair, this dissonance exists at the macro and micro levels, as it’s often just as difficult for a sexual assault survivor to, themselves, titrate their trauma history and the healthy sexual expression they may want to experience.
Sexual Chemistry
The process of titration involves a controlled reaction between different solutions.
The titrant: the solution of known concentration
The analyte: the solution of unknown concentration
When it comes to sex after sexual assault, the titrant is to trauma memory, what the analyte is to new sexual experiences. The trauma memory is the constant repetition of what is known – I can be victimized because I have been victimized. The biological systems involved with assessing threat have been actuated and, when stuck in a trauma loop, your biological safety protocol can go into a compensatory overactivation whenever an opportunity for sexual engagement arises. So, every new partner (or even every new sexual encounter with a familiar partner) can feel like an emergency, sending your body into sexual shutdown or, sometimes, hypersexuality. Even when you want to be in pleasure arousal mode, your body can instead shift into risk assessment:
Is this person safe? How can I ensure they don’t hurt me?
Will I dissociate? How can I stay present? In control?
Will this experience bring me pleasure? How can I ensure it doesn’t bring me pain?
When mixing the titrant of trauma memory with the analyte of new sexual experiences, we just don’t know what the reaction will be.
Slow Is Fast In Sexual Trauma Recovery
If titration involves a “controlled” reaction, then, when it comes to sexual vitality, how do you gain control over post-trauma sexual responses? Often, it can seem like avoiding sex altogether is just the control you need. Or, alternatively, some people seek control by increasing the frequency, intensity, and/or fixation on sexual encounters. These reactions don’t need to be pushed away or shamed. Rather, taking on a compassionate curiosity about these responses might be a more sustainable way of getting your underlying needs met. In this sense, the “controlled” reaction invites tracking and intentionality. Knowing what you’re up to can help you determine if doing more or less of it is leading you toward sexual freedom or keeping you mired in the trauma loop. To keep yourself steadily on the path of recovering sexual vitality, consider:
Tracking how you feel before, during, and after a consensual sexual experience
Making candid and continual conversation about consent fun and required
Allowing yourself to be curious about sexual desire while avoiding abrupt changes in sexual behavior
Trying small, incremental changes in sexual expression that feel expansive, yet safe
Enlisting the help of a knowledgeable, sex-positive psychotherapist
What Is Recovery In Sexual Trauma?
You get to rediscover (or discover anew) your unburdened sexual system – all the aspects of yourself that can be genuinely titillated, stimulated, and enriched by the sexual experiences of your choosing. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and going forward, you deserve a life full of rich and fulfilling sex! Treatment absolutely involves supporting you in decreasing acute trauma symptoms like avoidance, hypervigilance, negative self-image, and suicidality; however, we don’t want to only support you in moving away from unwanted symptoms. Rather, we get to support you in also moving toward wanted experiences! You were traumatized through the vehicle of the body, so you must also recover through the vehicle of your body. Awareness of somatic cues, releasing traumatic associations with sex, and increasing your tolerance for sexual sensations are all body-based tools we employ in sexual trauma treatment.
The process of titration is complete when the titrant and the analyte are equal. At this equivalence point, neither solution overshadows the other, and the known exists with the unknown in a space of neutrality. And so it is with sexual trauma recovery. When sexual trauma memory is neutralized to the point where you can confront opportunities for new sexual experiences by taking wanted action rather than being compelled into protective reaction, there is no limit on the level of satisfaction you can enjoy in opening up to sexual vitality.
Written by Jessiline Berry AMFT 131923, a Registered Associate and Marriage Family Therapist who specializes in healing sexual trauma after sexual assault and reigniting sexual vitality in individual or couples therapy. Jessiline is supervised by Clinical Psychologist, Dr Megan Mansfield (PSY31497). If you’re ready to begin your journey, or have some questions about the process, schedule time to talk with Jessiline here.