Why You Didn’t Say “No”

It’s always easy to know what to say or do in retrospect. This can be an opportunity for growth and reflection, but it can also lead to self-condemnation. Inner voices begin to echo that of society: “Why didn’t they scream?” “Why didn’t they call the police?” “Why didn’t they say ‘no’?” 

While these are all logical responses, the postulation suggests that we have a logical brain driving the ship, and that is very much not the case. In moments of terror, confusion, or shock, our brains revert to their primal functioning, so if the decision is between safety and logic, our brains and bodies will always align with what will provide the former. When that fight or flight instinct takes over, the prefrontal cortex shuts down, meaning most, if not all, executive functioning and logic-based reasoning go out the window. So the instinct might be to freeze, mentally check out, or maybe even go along with it, because that’s what your reptilian brain knows to do in order to keep you alive. It’s not thinking of the repercussions of its reaction, of the shame, frustration, or stigma you’ll later face. 

Let’s break down those responses a little bit more, as well. Along with the commonly known fight, flight, and freeze responses, fawning and dissociation are two other reactions to be aware of. While court systems or peers may interpret “going along with it” or not retaliating as an indication of consent or enjoyment, know that your body can freeze with your mind still present (freeze response), your mind can disconnect from its thoughts and feelings (dissociation), and it can also push you to try to appease someone who is hurting you, both during and after an assault (fawning). Whatever your animal brain knows and thinks to do to keep you safe, it will do. 

Bottom line is there no “ideal” way to handle the aftermath of rape and sexual violence. It is for no one else to judge or shape. My only encouragement is to listen to your body, to take care of yourself, and seek refuge in safe people. If you discover that those you thought were safe are not, or if you find yourself feeling stuck in how to seek help. Know that there are therapists who not only truly and genuinely care about helping you process your experience and return to safety in your body, but also have the training and experience to help you access the sense of empowerment you deserve.

Written by Hannah Nicolaci LMFT153397, a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes in healing trauma caused by sexual assault and women’s empowerment. If you’re ready to begin your journey or have some questions about the process, schedule time to talk with Hannah here.

For immediate support, call the Los Angeles Rape and Battery Hotline: 310-392-8381.