Why Arousal Isn’t Agreement
One of the more heartbreaking and frustrating misconceptions I run into as a trauma therapist is that orgasm or physical arousal indicates enjoyment. The reality is no, it doesn’t, but I first want to discuss the effect of this dangerous myth.
As a survivor, you may feel an immense amount of self-betrayal and anger towards your body if your abuse had moments where it “felt good.” The physical responses to sexual stimulation are actually often weaponized against survivors, including young children, to defend perpetrators. The spirit of this argument is that even if they indicated a lack of consent before, during, or after the attack, or even if the victim is a child, their bodies were “clearly” in agreement, so it was not “that bad.” Boy, does this make my blood boil.
Sex educator Emily Nagoski gives a brilliant analogy in her book, Come As You Are, to help illustrate that our physical reactions do not always align with our feelings or intentions. When your doctor taps your knee to test your reflexes, do you kick because it’s a reaction to the reflex hammer gently hitting your patellar tendon? Or did you actually want to kick your doctor? When sexual stimuli are presented visually or physically to you, your body is very likely to react, even if it is something that does not appeal to your sexual preferences. In layman’s terms, neither an erection, nor vaginal lubrication are indicators of enjoyment, they are simply an indicator that a sexual stimulus is present for you in some way shape or form. That stimulus can be something as overt as touch, porn, or the visual of a vibrator but again, it does not mean there is excitement or interest. Another good example of incongruence can be found in sexual disorders. For example, one may really want to engage in sex, but experience erectile dysfunction or vaginismus. Once again, the mind and body are not always aligned.
Unfortunately, this myth has persisted for a very long time. Nagowski offers some deeper context of the patriarchal influence that may have made you think otherwise:
Until the 1700s, people believed that conception was the pleasurable part of sex for a woman, so if a woman got pregnant, she must have experienced pleasure, and if she experienced pleasure, then the sex could not have been unwanted. Because, ‘she said no, but her ovaries said yes’. (p. 208)
If you have endured sexual assault or rape, and you experienced moments of physical arousal, please know that the response is purely biological and not at all an indicator of consent or even pleasure. Consent comes from the congruence of mind and body. If your body reacted physically, that is a biological response, not a signal of enjoyment or permission. The manipulation your body endured does not have to mean that your body is your enemy. Remember that in moments of terror and shock, our panic centers in our brains take over, diminishing our ability to think clearly or provide permission. Be gentle with yourself, and reach out to a therapist if you’re struggling to do so, so we can shower you with the compassion you deserve.
Written by Hannah Nicolaci LMFT153397, a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in sexual trauma and domestic violence. If you’re ready to begin your journey, or have some questions about the process, schedule time to talk with Hannah here.